Homeless

Nobody told you how it was going to be. How hard, the pain you feel when you have nobody in a country that isn’t yours, the language that you can’t speak as much as you can. The difficulties you will have with a different family which you didn’t know at all. When you’re sad, nobody is here to give you some words, or smiles, whatever. You’ll finally feel alone and homeless. The worst thing about feeling lonely is when you have a lot of people in your entourage, but no one sees the efforts you got to do the whole time. The pain of a thousand needles in your back. It is that.

And regret. But I don’t feel regrets, honestly. Instead of me, there will be people who will have it. But not me. I thought it will be different, but it’s a pity considering all that you left in your country with all the problems in your family, to came into a place where you’re nobody and you have nothing at all. I felt like sparkling water when I arrived here, but right now, it’s like someone left the bottle open and all the gas just evaporated. I think that I did the much as I can, I gave my all to each member of the family and no-family that now I feel like a real family (I think I do not need to give names), friends, pets and everybody. I tried to make everybody happy, and I think the big part of the people tried to do it too. I think you too, but you don’t realize how much pain did your words and your insults.

I don’t mind what will people think. It is my life and I am the only one who can choose in it. I think in all the baggage I prepared four months ago and all the love I put into them. Now, I don’t have love but I don’t have hate. I hate a lot of things but I won’t hate you for it. I will just think in all the good times that I had here, the language I learned, the people I met, the food I ate (well, not all the food…), the smiles I gave and the smiles I received, the views I saw, the rain I felt and the sunsets at the mountain, all the good experiences I had here. I don’t want to full my luggage with sad times and tears, and I won’t do it. I can’t realize that it will be the goodbye. The last goodbye of what I consider a YEAR TO REMEMBER. I will write this to don’t have to write you a letter and then, another niece will come and you will want to show. I only deserve you to feel better and do the things that make you happy, don’t bitter. Life is so short to be angry, being shouting and unhappy. I hope you will find the peace you want to. And I want you to find it because I think you need it desperately. I want you to know that I love your children, but they’re not the only children in the world. I talked many times with my siblings and you don’t know how hard it is when they tell you to come back crying. A little five aged girlie who cries in the airport because she doesn’t want her eldest sister to go far away. When a little boy goes to your bedroom and asks why his sisters left him alone. Yes, I am not a mother, as you said, but I feel like I am; I know that it’s not the same.

Maturity it is a word that has a lot of terms and conditions but I won’t let you call me immature, that it is go so so so far away. And I will want you to see any of your children in the same position that I am. I came here to help you, to be happy with you, to enjoy all of you. I did it, but not in all the terms. I am so grateful for you, you both had me here and let me know a lot of things. But now, in this very moment I feel homeless. Yes, homeless. And I will never want you to feel it. And I won’t say “I am sorry” anymore because I’m tired of say it when it wasn’t my fault, so, this time maybe it is, but I won’t say it. I feel… Frustrated because I thought that your illness wasn’t so strong to make me go. 

But all I will remember is “that year I moved to France but it was finally four months”.